Saturday, August 16, 2008

Vaginal Slang

[Note: This was originally posted on myspace, where it reached the top-10 blogs (it stayed in the single digits for a few weeks - a year later, it was still in the top-100. I was pleasantly surprised and, looking back, I wish I'd gotten a screen shot)! It has since been published in Rolling Thunder Quarterly's Spring 2011. I'm presenting it here as it appeared on myspace; a slightly different version was used in RTQ].

This is a no-no topic that may get flagged as inappropriate. I would like all the readers to be aware that I have double-checked the myspace terms and conditions. The only violation this post may violate is by being obscene, but myspace makes no attempt to define this word, obscene, which can mean many things to many people depending entirely on your perception.

I do not find the following words obscene. Also, you must be on my friends list to read this, so therefore I assume you are likeminded (i.e. dirty-minded). This also restricts the entry to being "public material" so I am not violating any laws. Should you flag this as inappropriate, may whatever god you believe in –or science, for you atheists out there- strike you with an incurable illness.
This will probably cause a slew of attacks by conservatives, both male and female, who want to ban topics like sex. It will also cause a backlash by hard-core feminists who'd like to enslave all of mankind and only bring them out for procreation. 
Oh, well. You can't please them all, eh?

Let me explain that I'm an American who firmly supports the freedom of speech. Let no one, male or female, stand in the way of the American Bill of Rights. Anyone that wants to try should get their pseudo-American communist ass out of this country. Try living somewhere like. . . Russia, China, Pakistan, or Afghanistan, since their views on freedom seem to match yours.

I'm also of the Madonna-Eve Ensler school of thought: the female body –MY!!- body is beautiful and I should embrace it (and no, I am not a lesbian).

Finally, this is for the good men out there who've been run down by women. Namely, this is for the memory of George Carlin – the one person who would've looked at this and laughed (and probably given me some slang words to use). May his soul rest in peace (and if, for some reason it doesn't, may his soul haunt my house so he can be my muse).

Today, my lovelies, we are going to talk about the word pussy. And cunt.  And twat. Aw, hell. I'd better just go ahead and make a list of them all right now:
Poontang, pudenda, beaver, box, quim, sheath, pink lady, snatch, hole, honey-pot, artichoke, bearded clam, pandora's box, wookie, cooch/coochie/coochie-coo, slip-n-slide, cookie, cooter, muff, kitty, slit, snatch, snootchie, taco, cup holder, dick holster, fuck hole, hoo-hoo, keyhole, love lips, map of tassie, meat hole, queef hole, red snapper, ya-ya, quivering mass of love pudding, yoni and, my personal favorite, tongue magnet (you bet your ass it is)!

There are some women who don't like these words. They don't think they should be said because they're "degrading." Fellows, let me ask you a question – which word is sexier: vagina or pussy?

Ladies, don't think I've forgotten you. I wanna talk to those of you who are so offended by these words. I've got a couple of questions to ask you.

Do you ever use any of the following words:
Dick, cock, pizzle, ding-a-ling, dong, woody, willie, prick, shaft, joystick, Johnson, pecker, peter, prick, schlong, stiffy, todger/tadger, tool, wang, wiener, dally whacker, wee-wee, dolk, anaconda, beaver-cleaver, family jewels, cherry popper, pisser, love-finger, hot dog, hooded warrior, dipstick, chicken, cobra, heat seeker, junk, lizard, kickstand, purple-headed monster, quiver bone, or talliwhacker?

Well, do ya? Because if you do, you're doing the exact thing to a man that he supposedly does to you when he uses those "horrible, bad words." Stop being hypocrites, ladies. You want respect, you gotta give it.

But men aren't offended when we use these terms to describe their genitalia. Many have never even thought about being offended.

So ladies, why are you offended? Are you really that insecure about the beautiful, generous, life-giving organ between your legs? We've spent centuries covering up those parts that make us distinctly woman. We've covered ourselves in layers of clothing and now we cover ourselves in obscure medical terms. 

It's time to take down the barriers and put our pussies on the pedestal they deserve – because that is the place where your man goes for comfort, that is what he sinks into for stress relief (think of it like a male's version of a bubble bath). It's time we let them claim the JOY our bodies give them. 
And how does a man express his joy? I mean, aside from driving us right out to the big O and back again? Well, men like naming things. No really – they do. It probably stems from our control of naming the children. They name their tools and their friends get special nicknames. They give their genitalia names like Junior and Little (insert name here). They call us by nicknames like sweetie and darling. We refer to those as terms of endearment. Now, go back up and read through those two lists. You've gotta admit – the names on the ladies list are much more original than the names for fellows. More time went into thinking them up. The fact that some man sat down and exerted brain cells into coming up with names for our genitalia ought to be an indication of endearment . . . well, shouldn't it? It's not a degrading term at all – it's a word that expresses a fondness. It's love.

Let me tell you a story – I fell in love with the word pussy a long time ago, when I first whispered it into the ear of a former boyfriend and realized that it held the power to make him do anything I wanted. Yes, you read that correctly – ANYTHING. Try it one night ladies. Wait until your man's just about to drive into the garage and then, in your sexiest voice, whisper in his ear. "Fuck my pussy." You can also use any of the popular variations: "Fuck my pink pussy" (a favorite of mine, due to my love of alliteration), or "Fuck my wet pussy," or the super-packed, double whammy, "Fuck my wet, pink pussy hard, baby."

Yeah, they like to hear you say that and you, ladies, should like saying it. You see, that phrase holds two words that grab a man by the balls: fuck and pussy. They've grown up suppressed, under the delusion that both words are wrong, which created this backlash of taboo sexual fantasies. Maybe you're new to this whole foul language thing and just aren't up to using both words at once. So here, try the beginner phrases for gentler souls: "Fuck me hard," or "Give it my pussy, baby" and, for those of you a little more daring, try, "Pound that pink pussy, baby."

You'll be amazed at the consequences. Hell, in my experience, it's opened the door of communication because – and I quote numerous ex's on this – they never thought they could discuss such things with a girl! No shitting you. These words have always been banned to locker room banter – and ladies, it's time we take them back and make their power our own.